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All, Writing & Ranting

Traits Your Girlfriends Have Shared

This is not a Buzzfeed-esque list. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Anyhow, it occurred to me the other day while I was driving to pick up some pork lo mein for lunch that every girl I’ve ever seriously dated (3) has had some things in common with the others.

Odds are, you will have noticed these traits as well. And they’re not bad. They just… exist. The sooner you identify them and learn to deal with them, the better off you will be.

Still has that childhood blanket and / or stuffed animal

Don’t ever fuck with it. Don’t pretend to rip it in half or play keep-away. Unless you want to be the biggest dick ever.

She would never fuck with your Gloworm.

Is it odd? At first glance, yes. But think about it. You probably still have an old trophy or two lying around, or a t-shirt you got in college that you still wear.

It’s the same thing. No one wants to grow up. The comfort of the past isn’t something we give up easily. Now, if you’re dating an infant who still sucks her thumb or calls her dad “daddy,” be concerned.

Loves one specific kind of animal

Dogs. Cats. Yorkshire terriers. Sure, you can appreciate a cute animal. If you can’t, you’re just being a hard-ass for the sake of being a hard-ass. Good for you.

But for your girlfriend, this animal (it could even be horses) has some sort of magical ability to make her smile, barring nearly anything. Yeah, sure, sometimes she’ll be looking at a dog and I’m left thinking, ‘That fucking dog makes her happier than I do,’ but you just have to deal with this.

Use the unbridled joy that this animal brings to your girlfriend’s face to your advantage. Don’t manipulate her, but try tacking a cute picture of a pile of puppies onto a standard “have a good day” text. I mean, you care about her, right? So show her. Wouldn’t it be sweet if you got a text that said “Go get ‘em, champ,” with an attached picture of Phil Mickelson holding the Claret Jug?

“Go get ’em, champ”

Has a word or two they hate the sound of

It’s probably “cunt,” but there are others. Statistics show that she most likely has a friend who is gay, so simply calling something “gay” could ding you big time. Grow up, would you?

I’ve met women who have hated the following words (for various reasons) everything from “moist” to “bitch” to something as innocuous as “panties.”

Look, if she hates a word, seriously try not to say it. Repeating it to be cute is funny maybe once or twice. I imagine after that it’s probably as humorous to her as it would be to you if she were to casually say that you have a small penis during happy hour conversation.

Sucks to be him.

So, there you have them. There are more, but let’s just leave it at this for now. Don’t tear up that little stuffed animal or call her panties “panties.” Ultimately, your relationship is going to be successful if you realize that there are just some things you need to take on the chin.

Think of all the dumb shit she puts up with from you. It’ll be ok. Just look at that picture she sent you of Lefty again. Isn’t she an angel?

About Anthony Russo

Jon Hamm look-alike. M&A Director of Marketing, golfer & expert amateur storm chaser. Have a cactus named Phil. Say what you want; let the market decide.

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