Dogs? Yeah, I Like Dogs

I gotta say, you mid-20s women have really gone to the dogs (ugh). It seems like every woman I meet these days has a pooch or wants a pup. Welp, I’ve got a few bones (fuck me) to pick.

But before you go barking up the wrong tree (that one wasn’t even good), keep in mind that I grew up without house pets. We had a couple of birds that lived inside, sure, but my rabbits were kept outside, thank you very much.

And it was great.

Look, me and dogs… we’re cool. I generally like ‘em. So does Brad Pitt.

But I don’t get the fascination with every woman getting her first job and then having to run out and buy a four legged (or 3-legged) friend. They’re animals, not objects for your comfort and amusement.

They shed, you have to feed the little shits, and then you have to walk them. Or you could just be a shitty owner and let it get fat. Oh, and they’re not exactly cheap.

Awww, how cute. You can’t afford car repairs, you scrounge up change for a nice night out, but somehow those inevitable vet bills will pay themselves? It’s a rescue? Have fun with the behavioral problems. Shell out some more cash to (try to) fix that.

Dogs can be great. But not when they’re shedding all over my nice suits or getting their paws all over my shoes.

Save the whole “I want a dog” thing for after marriage. “Here, kids. This is Fido, your new responsibility.”

I’m as nostalgic as anyone, but just because you had a dog growing up and you’re lonely now, you’re not suddenly ideal dog owner material. You don’t wanna come home to an empty domicile? Get a hobby.

I’m not watching your dog for the weekend, I’m not letting it out when you’re on vacation and I’m kicking it off the couch when I want to sit down.

I’m selfish. And I have golf to play.

But when push comes to shove, I’m a big softy, and if you want a dog, I’m not going to say no. It’s not my place to tell you what to do with your money. I’ve been known to snuggle with a few dogs in my day, but I’m not happy about it. But it’s your responsibility, young lady.

In the meantime, I’ll be enjoying my freedom and not cleaning up piss and shit, other than when I’m drunk and spray a bit.