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All, Writing & Ranting

7 Things Assholes Make Lists About

People love lists. I work in marketing to pay the bills, and any marketer worth his salt knows creating content in list form is a great trick for capturing a reader’s attention.

Hey, it’s cool. I did the same thing to get you to click my link. I could’ve picked 3 things, 10 things, 24 things to add to my list. Who gives a fuck? I picked 7 because 3 didn’t feel like enough and more than 7 would just make me sound like more of a whiney bitch.

If you like reading the following lists, good for you. Super. I don’t. Lists are for groceries and college sports rankings. Not the following garbage.

1. Things that successful / happy / adjective people do. Ever hear of correlation versus causation? These lists make it seem like if you follow everything on the list, you’ll be successful and / or happy. False. Look at #3 on this list.

“Bottom line: Just do it.” Are you fucking kidding me? The causation is the other way around. Successful people just get laid more because they are probably more confident, better looking and more personable in general.

You wanted a .gif, didn’t you?

2. Stuff your kids will never understand / know /experience. Technology is changing so fast, blah blah blah. No shit. People always have and always will get drawn to this drivel because it’s nostalgic. So what if your kids won’t have to develop physical film from cameras? Titillating stuff, Time. Guess what our generation never got to experience… a flu pandemic, subsistence farming, a military draft.

3. Redheads. Wait, what?  This is a mistake. Redheads rule.

4. Best pizza / wings / food. “Hot List: Top 5 Pizzas in Cleveland!” Let’s end the debate right here. All good pizza tastes the same. Shitty pizza tastes like shit, and we all know that, but the top pizzas are all probably worth the money. And different styles are all good in their own way, so who really cares?

5. Moving, touching, etc. photos. Ever read the comments that result from these types of lists? Makes for great trolling.

“WOW …….. just wow, these made me cry they are so raw.”

I don’t know what’s saddest though, the photos, the people taking time to write generic bullshit about the photos or me reading generic the bullshit about the photos and wondering in what weird universe these people exist.

6. Things [State]ans love. I forgot how ridiculous these lists are until I re-read this one about Ohioans. Look at #1. Ohio State Football. Really? People in Ohio love the Buckeyes? Riveting.

“If you’re a youngster in Ohio, start getting the football out and throw it around the backyard with pop.”

“If you’re a youngster in Ohio, start getting the football out and throw it around the backyard with pop.”

I live in Ohio and I didn’t know what the fuck Graeter’s ice cream is. Furthermore, the list makes it sound like Sperrys, Mountain Dew and American-made cars are only enjoyed by Ohioans.

It’s kind of a cool idea I suppose, but I feel sorry for the kind of person who would read that list and actually think, “Wow, that’s so true! I’m from Ohio and I love defending the Browns and wearing workout clothes outside the gym!”

7. Traits your girlfriends have shared. Enough said. Who writes this trite banality?

__________

You know one thing on my list? Your kiss.

About Anthony Russo

Jon Hamm look-alike. M&A Director of Marketing, golfer & expert amateur storm chaser. Have a cactus named Phil. Say what you want; let the market decide.

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